Ignoring the Mirror: Why We Resist Feedback and Growth

Introduction

We previously defined feedback as the key enabling behavior of true mentorship. Good feedback acts as a mirror, reflecting something about us that we may not see on our own, and provides a pathway to change, grow, and improve.  But what happens when you don’t like the reflection? What happens when the mirror shows you something you’d rather not face? This next series of posts is going to pivot from how feedback can communicate and lead to insight. We’re going to move from insight across the bridge to action. 

Turns out even when feedback is good, there are plenty of ways we stay stuck, and fail to turn those insights into progress and growth. This post isn’t about cheap shots, irrelevant gripes, or conflicting visions—we’ll get to those in the next installment. Here, like we defined in our last post, we’re talking about feedback that is valid, actionable, and desirable. The kind that, if we could accept and apply it, would move us closer to the person or leader we want to be. And yet, this is often the very feedback we ignore.

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Why Do We Ignore Feedback?

Human beings are remarkably skilled at defending our egos and the perception of our identity. When feedback threatens either, our first instinct can be to justify maintaining stability. We see change as a rejection of our very self.

Prochaska’s stages of change model describes six distinct stages of action 

• Pre-contemplation (not yet considering a change)
• Contemplation (thinking about changing)
• Planning (actively getting ready to implement a change)
• Action (executing  the plan )
• Maintenance (the change is consistent, working on making it permanent)
• Termination (We have achieved a new normal)

Most of us start in pre-contemplation. We don’t see the problem yet, or we don’t think it applies to us. If someone points it out, we brush it off. Feedback is necessary but insufficient at this stage, and anyone who has given feedback with the goal of changing someone has experienced just how insufficient. If we move into contemplation, we may acknowledge the issue but the cost hasn’t hit yet. Without pain, urgency is hard to muster and change remains an idea to think about, not a plan to create or execute.

That’s why feedback can feel like standing in front of a mirror under harsh light. The instinct is to turn away, tell ourselves the lighting is bad, and avoid looking again. In the short term, this works. The discomfort fades, and we feel safe again. But reality remains undefeated, and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. 

Leaders are especially vulnerable to this. When a leader ignores feedback, followers learn quickly: it’s not worth offering input. Silence isn’t peace; it’s disengagement. When consequences finally push the leader to action, the cost is far greater than it would have been had they listened earlier.

That doesn’t mean all feedback is actionable. Sometimes what followers call “feedback” is really just preference, a desire take a project in a different direction, or to experience a different leadership style. For this post, we’re assuming the feedback is real, grounded, and relevant. In the next post we’ll separate out those differences more fully.

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Assessment vs. Evaluation

A brief examination of terms is in order: Assessment and Evaluation are often used interchangeably. They are different, and key to our tactics for acting on feedback is acknowledging this distinction. Assessment is measurement; an accurate and reproducible data point. Evaluation is the step where you assign meaning and context to that data. 

An example is measuring a distance and arriving at 1 meter as the distance between 2 points. This is assessment. It is reproducible (i.e. multiple observers should get the same measurement), it is easily communicated (even in ‘Murica where we think the metric system is some nefarious Canadian plot) and clear and accurate in what it is communicating. Evaluation is assigning a meaning and context to the “1 meter”. So is 1 meter long or is it short?  Depends…if we are talking about how far off the plate a pitch was, 1 meter is vast. If we are talking about driving across the country and our destination is off by 1 meter, it’s so small we wouldn’t notice. 

The mistake we often make is rejecting the assessment before ever evaluating it. We hear the measurement and decide, instantly: “Nope, that’s wrong. Doesn’t apply. Not me.” We discard the data without considering whether it’s useful.

Acknowledging an assessment doesn’t mean you agree with it. It means you recognize it exists. You log it. You put it on the table. Only then can you evaluate: is it relevant? Is it actionable? Is it something worth responding to now, later, or not at all?

Skipping this step is like throwing away lab results because you didn’t like the numbers. The measurement happened. Ignoring it won’t make it untrue.

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The Cost of Ignoring Feedback

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The Tactical Shift: Feedback as Data

The way out isn’t easy, but it is simple: treat feedback as data. Not as an insult, an attack, or an order. 

Just data.

You don’t have to accept or reject it in the moment. In fact, it’s usually better if you let the initial heat die down before deciding what to do with it.

Practical tip: create a feedback parking lot. A notebook, a digital file, even a note on your phone—someplace you capture feedback word-for-word, without editing, processing or rationalizing. Later, revisit it with a detached, rational eye. See if patterns emerge. If three people, in three different contexts, at 3 different times, point out the same behavior, that’s harder to ignore.

This approach honors both halves of the process: the assessment (recording the data) and the evaluation (deciding its meaning and relevance). Skipping either step leaves you blind.

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Practical Exercise

Try this:

1. Think of one piece of feedback you’ve brushed off recently.
2. Ask yourself: what stage of change was I in at the time? Pre-contemplation (didn’t think it applied)? Contemplation (knew it was real but didn’t feel urgent)?
3. Write the feedback down exactly as it was given. Treat it as an assessment.
4. Now, evaluate it: what meaning or context would you assign today, with a cooler head? What might you have missed?
5. Optional bonus: circle back to the person and ask, “If you were giving me that feedback today, would you say the same thing?”

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Closing

Ignoring valid, actionable, desirable feedback may feel protective in the moment, but it keeps you stuck. It inhibits specific growth in the short term and general progress in the long term by alienating the people around you.

In the next post, we’ll look at the opposite mistake—trying to respond to every piece of feedback, no matter how inconsistent, irrelevant, or malicious. Because not every reflection in the mirror deserves equal weight, and trying to please everyone is the surest way to please nobody including yourself.