“That’s OK” Is Not OK: The Growth Mindset Rant (Part 1: The Individual)

Introduction

“Some people are not good at [insert, whatever here]. And that’s ok.”

The genesis of this post came from an interesting set of coincidences: That line came out of a podcast I listened to recently, and it nearly snuck past me on a quick listen, but something about it wouldn’t allow me to let it go and move on. Not because it was malicious. Quite the opposite: the host was trying to be compassionate, inclusive, non-judgmental. But what came out was one of the most subtle and damaging abuses of positive psychology I’ve ever heard — a direct negation of growth mindset masquerading as acceptance. As if the universe was baiting me into a rant, I watched the Netflix documentary on “The Biggest Loser,” and I felt a theme coming on: we seem as a culture to be stuck bouncing between the 2 worst forms of the arguments about personal growth and development. We either accept shortcomings as being “ok” because we don’t want to hurt feelings, or we swing 1000% the other way toward merciless shaming because a shortcoming/challenge must be a sign of a broken incomplete human.

It’s worth unpacking why this false dichotomy persists. Because if you’ve read my last couple of posts (Challenge as a Feature and Simple vs. Easy), you know I’m not content with platitudes. Growth isn’t about sprinkling sugar on top of discomfort. Growth requires accurate naming of difficulty, challenge, and possibility. And “not good at [whatever] — and that’s ok” isn’t honest, useful, or inclusive. It’s resignation dressed up as empathy.

To ground this in research, psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset vs. fixed mindset makes clear that skills and abilities are not static traits. A fixed mindset assumes ability is carved in stone; a growth mindset recognizes that effort, feedback, and persistence change outcomes. Misusing inclusive language to excuse people from growth risks reinforcing the fixed mindset — the exact opposite of what positive psychology intends.

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What Carol Dweck’s Research Shows

Dweck’s research, drawn from decades of classroom and organizational studies, shows how the way we talk to ourselves shapes performance. Self-talk like “I’m just not good at math” reinforces a fixed mindset that talent is innate. Shifting that to “I didn’t prepare well this time, but I can study differently” reinforces a growth mindset that skill is earned and expandable. Likewise, after a success, saying “I’m naturally gifted at this” makes you fragile; saying “my preparation and persistence paid off” reminds you what you can repeat next time. These subtle shifts in your own internal dialogue keep the door open to growth.

And it’s not just schoolwork — these patterns play out in professional life too. Think of self‑talk after a performance review: “I’m terrible at giving presentations” shuts the door, while “I need to refine my slides and practice delivery” keeps it open. Or when confronting imposter syndrome: “I don’t belong here” is fixed, but “I can learn what I don’t know yet” is growth. The same mindset shift that helps a student in math class applies equally to leaders, professionals, and anyone building a career.

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How a Simple Phrase Becomes a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Let’s call it what it is: “not good at [insert skill here]” is a fallacy. A fixed state, treated as a permanent fact. And fixed statements like that have a nasty way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why do people say things like this? A few reasons:

• Innocence: Maybe you’ve only ever been exposed to fixed-mindset thinking, so it feels normal.
• Misguided acceptance: You want to be non-judgmental toward yourself, so you let yourself off the hook… but it accidentally demotivates.
• Excuse-making: Fear of failure, so better to decide “I’m just not good at that” than risk trying and confirming it.
• Cynicism: Sometimes you convince yourself that life is just “ya gots what ya gots.”

On the surface, it sounds harmless, even kind. But underneath, it says: Don’t bother trying. I can’t change.

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When Positive Psychology Becomes Toxic Positivity

This is where toxic positivity sneaks in. Positive psychology, done right, is about flourishing — cultivating strengths, resilience, meaning. Done wrong, it gets twisted back on itself and turns into “don’t judge, don’t push, just accept.”

Here’s the problem: judgment isn’t automatically negative. You can ruthlessly assess your KSAs (knowledge, skills, abilities) without assigning worth to yourself as a human being. In fact, you have to. Separating your inherent worth from your current abilities is the foundation of sustainable growth.

Humans have inherent worth. Period. Full stop. But confusing human worth with skill performance is a trap that works both ways:

• You might judge yourself as “less than” because you have deficits in KSAs. That’s dehumanizing.
• Or you might refuse to judge your KSAs at all, in a misguided attempt to protect your own dignity. That’s disabling.

Neither extreme is helpful. If you want to grow, you must assess your skills honestly while remembering your worth is non-negotiable. Your belief in your own self worth is going to be really handy in staying motivated and pursuing real, meaningful lasting change.

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School, Skills, and the “Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations”

Let’s be practical and use the concrete example of educational aptitude. Some people really do struggle in a traditional school environment. Fine. But the idea that they cannot become competent — even excellent — in study skills, learning techniques, test-taking strategies, and memory techniques? Demonstrably false.

What’s worse is when we preemptively decide we can’t. That’s not kindness. That’s self-sabotage. Lowering the bar for yourself doesn’t make life easier — it just keeps you small.

As a coach and a physician, I’ve seen the damage of this mindset. Clients come in saying, “I’m just not a leader,” or “I’m not good at balance.” If they accept that at face value — if they collude with their inner critic — they stunt themselves. The antidote is honest assessment, a plan for growth, and the courage to try again.

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The Biggest Loser Problem: Reality Without Shame

The Netflix documentary on The Biggest Loser illustrates this tension. Obesity is objectively unhealthy. Denying that fact helps no one. But using humiliation and abuse as a “motivator” doesn’t work either. At best, it creates short-term compliance; at worst, it destroys self-worth and sets people up for relapse.

The challenge for any individual is to tell yourself the truth without turning it into shame. You don’t need to excuse yourself from reality, nor do you need to berate yourself into the ground. You ignore your weight/fitness/health to your detriment and peril.  But the success of self hatred as the motivator for long term sustainable weight loss is questionable at best. You need self-compassion paired with self-honesty — the willingness to see the problem clearly and the confidence to work toward change.

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From Excuse to Growth: A Practical Reframe

So what do you do the next time you catch yourself saying “That’s ok” in this context?

• Pause. Ask yourself: am I being compassionate, or am I excusing growth?
• Reframe. Replace it with: “Where’s the opportunity for growth here?”
• Plan. Identify one small step you can take to improve the skill in question. Gather resources you need to help you succeed. 
• Remember “yet.” Not good at it yet doesn’t close doors; it keeps them open.

Closing Reflection

The line between acceptance and avoidance is thin. Acceptance of worth? Always. Avoidance of growth? Never.

So here’s my challenge to you: Where are you letting yourself off the hook with “that’s ok”? Where are you confusing compassion with resignation?

If challenge is a feature, and if growth requires difficulty, then “that’s ok” isn’t ok. It’s a soft form of surrender. And you deserve better.

In our next installment we’ll explore how leaders and mentors externalize these fixed mindset traps and set their proteges and teams up for complacency and stagnation. 

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