“That’s OK” Is Not OK: The Growth Mindset Rant (Part 2: Mentors and Leaders)

Introduction

In Part 1, we explored how individuals sabotage themselves with fixed-mindset self-talk and how honest self-assessment paired with self-compassion opens the door to growth. Now let’s shift the lens: what happens when that same dynamic plays out in a mentor–protege or leader–team relationship?

“Some people are not good at [insert, whatever here]. And that’s ok.”

This phrase doesn’t just show up in self-talk; it shows up in mentoring, leadership, and organizational culture. When a mentor or leader excuses someone from growth, it might feel compassionate, but in reality, it’s avoidance masquerading as kindness.

To ground this in research, Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset vs. fixed mindset is as relevant to mentors as it is to individuals. Skills and abilities are not static traits. When mentors and leaders treat them as if they are, they reinforce the fixed mindset. When they model persistence, provide feedback, and encourage effort, they cultivate growth.

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What Carol Dweck’s Research Shows

Dweck’s studies highlight the role of language and feedback in shaping others’ beliefs. Tell a protege “you’re a natural at presentations,” and you box them into fragility — what happens when they fail? Instead, say “your preparation and practice showed,” and you affirm that growth is possible and replicable. Leaders who attribute team success to innate talent send a fixed mindset message; those who highlight strategy, collaboration, and perseverance instill a growth mindset culture.

You can see this in action every day: a manager who says, “Not everyone is cut out for leadership,” has unknowingly closed the door on someone’s potential. But a manager who says, “Everyone can build leadership skills — let’s start with one project where you can stretch,” opens it. A senior scientist telling a trainee, “You’re not good at grant writing,” reinforces fragility, while saying, “Your first draft needs work, but here are the tools that will help you improve,” affirms growth. These subtle distinctions in feedback decide whether teams stagnate or evolve.

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Why Mentors Do This

Why do mentors excuse their proteges under the banner of kindness? A few common reasons:

• Laziness: It takes effort to notice, assess, and intervene, and sometimes mentors default to the path of least resistance.
• Fear of incompetence: Pointing out a weakness obligates you to help address it, and some mentors worry they won’t know how.
• Prioritizing relationship over progress: Wanting to stay liked, mentors may avoid hard truths that would strain the bond.
• Ignorance: Many simply repeat the way their own mentors treated them, for better or worse.

It’s worth pausing on each of these. Laziness often shows up in busy environments — for example, a senior physician who notices a resident struggling but thinks, “I don’t have time to deal with this today.” Fear of incompetence might stop a leader from offering feedback on communication skills, because they themselves never learned how to coach it. Prioritizing the relationship over progress often leads to phrases like, “Don’t worry about it, you’re fine,” when the protege actually needs constructive feedback. And ignorance? That’s cultural inheritance. If your mentor dismissed you with “you either have it or you don’t,” you may find yourself echoing that same line — unless you consciously break the cycle. These stories aren’t hypothetical; they play out daily in labs, clinics, classrooms, and offices.

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The Mentor’s Temptation to Excuse

Mentors often fall into the trap of “false kindness.” Sparing your protege from the truth isn’t about them — it’s about you. It’s easier to avoid the awkwardness of pointing out a weakness than to step into the responsibility of helping them address it. But that avoidance is laziness, cowardice, and fear. Hard words? Yes. Necessary words? Also yes.

A real mentor makes the assessment, communicates it honestly, and then commits to helping their protege build the missing KSAs. This requires humility in the truest sense. Humility means being grounded in reality, not the typical usage of humility as modesty. If you want to be objective in assessment of your protege, practice by being ruthless in your self assessment. You may not be able to do everything for them, but part of being a mentor is knowing that and helping your protege figure out what/who they can benefit from leveraging as a resource. What matters is not that you are the single point of failure in your proteges growth, but rather modeling honesty, providing support, and helping them craft a realistic plan for growth.

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The Biggest Loser Problem Applied to Mentors

Returning to The Biggest Loser example: leaders face the same dilemma. Do you acknowledge the problem (obesity, skill gaps, performance deficits) without demeaning the person? Do you excuse your own insensitivity by only seeing short term success…sure the trainer shouted obscenities, but they did get them to finish that 30 seconds on the treadmill…so I guess it works. Or do you avoid the tough conversation altogether and err toward “that’s just how they are” and let them stagnate? Neither extreme works. Effective mentors and leaders confront reality while protecting dignity. They offer tools, feedback, and opportunities for development — not shame, not avoidance.

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Inclusivity Done Right vs. Done Wrong (For Teams)

Inclusivity isn’t just an individual matter; it’s cultural. In teams and organizations, false inclusivity sounds like this:

• Done wrong: “Not everyone’s cut out for leadership roles.” (lowers the bar, stamps certain people as hopeless)
• Done right: “Everyone can grow leadership skills in different contexts.” (raises the bar, keeps possibilities open)

The difference determines whether a team can adapt, innovate, and solve problems. A team that believes “we only have what we have” becomes brittle. They can only solve problems with their current toolkit, which means any new challenge becomes a crisis. A team that believes skills can be developed, however, can pivot, experiment, and stay agile. Growth mindset isn’t just about the individual’s resilience — it’s about the organization’s ability to meet the future.

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Why This Matters for Leadership and Innovation

A good example from my day job in the intensive care unit. In medicine, you don’t get to excuse people from competence. If someone says, “I’m not good at central lines, and that’s ok,” you don’t shrug and let them off the hook. You train. You mentor. You build them up until they can perform. Lives depend on it.

In business, the same principle applies. Organizations that excuse weakness instead of cultivating growth stagnate. Innovation requires curiosity, experimentation, and the assumption that learning is possible. Leaders set the tone. If they tolerate “that’s ok” excuses, they breed complacency. If they challenge with respect, they breed resilience and innovation. Think of it this way: if your team is bound by the fixed set of KSA’s they have, the only way to solve a problem you initially struggle with is find a new team, or recruit a new member. There is no possibility of creating an independent team that can grow and adapt to progressive challenge if they “only got what they got.”

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From Excuse to Growth: A Practical Reframe for Mentors

So what do you do the next time you hear (or say) “That’s ok” as a mentor or leader?

• Pause. Ask yourself: am I sparing them for their sake, or mine?
• Reframe. Replace it with: “What plan can we build for growth here?”
• Model. Demonstrate humility about your own limits, but show commitment to supporting their growth.
• Remember “yet.” Not good at it yet doesn’t mean they’re incapable; it means you both have work to do.

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Closing Reflection

The line between acceptance and avoidance is thin. Acceptance of worth? Always. Avoidance of growth? Never.

As a mentor or leader, ask yourself: Where are you letting your people off the hook with “that’s ok”? Where are you confusing compassion with resignation?

If challenge is a feature, and if growth requires difficulty, then “that’s ok” isn’t ok. It’s a soft form of surrender. And your proteges, your teams, and your organizations deserve better.

The mark of a true mentor: the fondest wish that their protege will surpass them. The way to live this is a growth mindset.

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