A Place for Self

I start by sweeping the deck…Coffee’s brewing, so I need to pass some time before I fill my mug. Bird’s chirp… the occasional squirrel hops from one precarious branch to the next to evade the neighbor’s cat. Now that that’s done, I can fetch my morning caffeine. Couch cushions…Check. Chocolate lab…Check. First Sit, then Sip, and wait for it….aaah, there it is. My first morning undistracted view of my back yard.

Relaxation is something that looks easy when someone’s good at it, but it takes practice to get there.

Which brings with it the first opportunity to relax on purpose…To remember again that actively doing nothing is really doing something. Doing nothing (effectively at any rate) requires intention, planning, staging and thought. A paradox, just like the one which requires intense practice to “make something look easy”, Relaxation is something that looks easy when someone’s good at it, but it takes practice to get there.

“Why bother?” you say.

Great question, glad you asked. Relaxation of the body and mind is a foundational skill for resilience, required for honing all the other self-skills (self-control, self-awareness, insight) that are foundational for our we/us skills (communication, understanding, empathy) that allow us to sail our ships (Mentorship, Leadership, Relationship) without running aground.

You can control You, and that’s about it. If you don’t start there (mastering yourself) you are not going to excel at sailing your ships.

I learned in several leadership training courses a common theme that one should deal with problems by finding the root of them. Arbinger^TM teaches conflict resolution not by necessarily just “correcting” but by going “one-level” down from correcting to teaching, to relationship building, to the ultimate foundation, evaluating your mindset. Crucial Conversations^TM teaches preparing for a potentially emotional and conflict laden interaction by being aware of the “stories we tell ourselves” and where they come from. A conflict management (not resolution) course began with a self-evaluation of one’s communication/negotiation style.

Noticing the common thread? Start with you. You can read all those books, take the courses, sign up for webinars to maintain the skills they teach; or you can read the New Testament and/or the Stoics (essentially the foundations of the above material, but 2000 years older and without a 2 day course for your resume)…

Eventually, you do your due diligence and get down to the essential bare truth applicable to mentorship / leadership / relationship/ followership : You can control You, and that’s about it. If you don’t start there (mastering yourself) you are not going to excel at sailing your ships. Before setting sail, you need the self skills mentioned above first. Practicing these skills is easiest when we are relaxed, and that’s why were talking about relaxation first.

There may be secrets to this universe that are undiscovered, but if you are seeking them in this chucklehead’s blog, spoiler alert: we don’t have any of those.

This post is going to be the first of many on the topic of the care and feeding of You. We’ll eventually discuss fitness, nutrition, sleep and all the other aspects that go into optimizing “You”, and put it into context of how getting to your best “You” is the bedrock of sailing any of our ships. It may even involve meditation. In case you find that term to “woo-woo”, don’t think of it as some gateway to Astral Projection or anything of the like. There may be secrets to this universe that are undiscovered, but if you are seeking them in this chucklehead’s blog, spoiler alert: we don’t have any of those.

I prefer the pragmatic to the esoteric in most cases. So, I thought I’d begin with something practical: a place for You. This place is somewhere that fosters calm, content, relaxed You. I don’t know where that is for you. For me, its my back deck.

Now, this kind of thing may drive you to distraction. You may prefer a busy urban park, your local java shop, a solitary hiking trail, or a million other locales. No Worries! That’s my place, it’s not your place. If I find any of my readers in my back yard unannounced and uninvited, I will not be demonstrating my relaxed posture. Allow me to explain why I chose it as my place, and perhaps that can help you find yours.

I moved to this part of the country at a major transition in my life. My career had hit an iceberg (hard). We were in a rebuilding phase and traveled 3000 miles to get a fresh start. Shake the etch-a-sketch and start again. That journey began at the end of over a year of personal and professional nonsense I do not wish to repeat, full of worry that my mistakes were going to irrevocably damage my family, and that my kids in particular were going to have difficulty adjusting and just being kids for the summer. After 10 days in a car with the family, we were all ready to be in our new home and begin anew.

Physical relaxation is key to mental and emotional relaxation.

This was the first photo I snapped after our arrival…

The relief I felt was immense. It wasn’t just an emotional relaxation, but a physical relaxation. I generally reject Cartesian duality; Generally, I think Monty Python had Rene Descartes pegged best. But, unfortunately our language is steeped in it to the point I must distinguish the physical/mental/emotional when I write. Let’s get the first take home point though: Physical relaxation is key to mental and emotional relaxation. These are all essentially interrelated, but most folks try to quiet the mind in order to quiet the body. If you are able to do that, grand. More power to you. If you have difficulty with that order of operations, consider the reverse: start with physical relaxation. Many begin with a stretching routine, or go for a walk, listen to music, or read a good book to quiet the mind and the body.

Try starting one layer deeper in the foundation: Where are you when you are trying to learn to relax? When you are skilled at relaxation (meditation, centering, mindfulness etc), you may be able to achieve this state anywhere. Your office at work, during a confrontation with a family member, teacher, co-worker, significant other. Elite athletes may achieve relaxation in the middle of stadiums full of 70,000 people screaming about how that particular athlete should be violently disemboweled. My guess: that’s not the first time they tried to achieve relaxation.

Try starting one layer deeper in the foundation: Where are you when you are trying to learn to relax?

Back to the deck…

In sticking with the pragmatic, make sure your place is accessible regularly. Another high point for my back deck, its 12 feet from my coffee maker. Don’t get me wrong: I loved my anniversary trip to Deer Valley, Utah. The Wasatch Mountain Valley is one of the most beautiful cherished places for my wife and me. As much as I’d like to, I simply can’t get there every day. I need somewhere I can get to easily and regularly to practice relaxation.

When we arrived, the deck itself was a hot mess. Warped boards, splinters, backed out deck screws, and in desperate need of a coat of stain. Our furniture was arriving in several weeks, but I had pre-packed our tools and workshop, in anticipation that an empty house is easier to work on. Thank goodness for belt sanders, cordless drivers and time. We worked on the deck together. Hard work & time spent together to make a place for the family to enjoy. My place didn’t just appear, it was earned with effort. (There’s a metaphor in there, something about your best you being earned thru effort…maybe in another post). Is it ironic that a personal place of relaxation required so much work first? Sure, but irony doesn’t invalidate reality. Your place may not require power tools: maybe it’s just arranging your favorite chair to get a view. Maybe its setting up a desktop fountain for some white noise in the background. Maybe its the drive to the State Park to go hiking to your place. Don’t be afraid to make your place, in lieu of finding your place.

That’s a good start, 3 characteristics to start looking for in a place to start working on your best You.

• Associated with natural relaxing memory
• Easily accessible
• Made yours through effort

Where is your place? Would love to hear from you, and share with others places to relax you’ve found to call your own. Someone may not have thought of it, and you could well be providing a first step to help someone create their best self. Helping others is a key skill in Functional Mentoring so feel free to help us build our community by telling us about your place.