So, Ya Got Fired…Part 3 Move to Action

Next take home point: Still fired, so Now What?

In our previous installments we discussed an approach to the initial reaction (emotionally) of getting fired, and then discussed an approach to sorting thru the feedback to gain an accurate picture of your current self. Now is the next step: how do we put that self-assessment to use by determining our desired future self, and making a plan to get there. That’s one of the rubs about feedback. By itself, it doesn’t consistently lead to change and progress.

That’s one of the reasons I value insight more than feedback. People give me conflicting feedback about the situation, even now years after when it became settled. One of the things brought up during the investigation to paint me as a toxic leader: supposedly endless, clear high quality feedback from peers and leaders given to me over years. Did it lead to valuable life changing insight? I thought it had, but apparently not enough.

I was of the opinion that I was an excellent leader, and simultaneously a work in progress. I had leaders who recognized me as such, and awarded me accordingly for accomplishments and encouraged my improvements and progress. I had subordinates who voted me for awards and recognition. Many referred to me as “work dad”, wrote me cards and letters about the positive effect I had on their lives, and to this day contact me often for career and life advice. I had others who had constructive feedback for me, that I was incorporating and taking to heart. Those that did, and still give quality feedback leading to insights, I still (and will continue to) value no matter what their role in the particulars of me being fired.

---

At the end of the day, the only person who is capable of changing you is you.  

Start there.

Powerful idea isn’t it? You are responsible for you…your words and actions. “You” is the one thing you can reasonably expect to be able to control. I don’t mean that self-control is easy (remember why I’m writing this whole thing?)…I mean to say that self-control is the only kind of control that’s feasible. You can’t control others’ biases, decisions or experiences. You can’t control the weather for cryin’ out loud. Let’s focus on what’s actually under your control (or at least, what’s possible to exert your control over)—I’ve checked the math on this, the entire list consists of your actions, effort and your attitude. That’s it. It’s not even original. It’s stolen from a host of cultures and religions over many thousands of years. Usually the idea of relentless self-control is most closely associated with Stoics and Buddhists, but there are aspects of self-control being the only feasible kind in a host of major religions and systems of philosophy. In our first installment we warned about the “take over” by your primitive lizard brain. Totally a thing, but you also have a functioning cerebral cortex, whose primary function is inhibiting the lizard brain from taking over in the wrong situations. Yup, that’s right. The higher brain function is primarily all about self-control. Frightening in one sense – that you are responsible for you. But, taken another way, it’s quite empowering. You are actually capable of being responsible for you. Read on, and we’ll talk next about what information and tools you need to put this capability into action.

Put simply to get from here to there metaphorically or literally you need:

1. The capability of movement/travel. See above about what your cerebral cortex is all about. Whether you read Seneca, Buddha, Catholic Catechism—it doesn’t much matter. They all impart that self-control is possible as well as desirable/necessary. You have the capability.
2. You need a starting location, a desired end point, and a map connecting the two. This is what all that feedback, insight, and planning was all about. Feedback lets you know where you are, your current state. Your insight and your reflection on the consequences of your actions lets you know whether it’s a place you want to remain, or whether it’s time to travel. Your feedback and insight can help create the map by contrasting your current actual self, and your future desired self. The trusted advisors and mentors can help you in determining how to make your map and plan your trip.
3. Last but definitely not least, you need the motivation to change. Before anyone gets in my grill about Prochaska and the stages of change…I’ve read it. It’s terrific, and backed by sound evidence and is helpful and tactical in regards to change. But Prochaska doesn’t discount motivation. Prochaska puts motivation into its proper context, and reminds us that we need a plan in addition to motivation. We need support systems, we need other people. Check. But we need motivation to move along Prochaska’s stages model, and still need motivation to maintain a change that is complete.

Since in earlier installments we talked about the capability for change, the tools and resources in helping you map the journey and plot your course, I want to work towards completion by discussing motivation.

---

Character Strength Reflection Exercise

In going through all of this personally, I found a great deal of value in self-determination theory (SDT). Self-determination theory provides a model for what motivates humans to do the things they do. There are 3 main components that guide people and they are:

• Autonomy – We want to be the ones in control of our lives. We resist change and motivation when forced on us from outside. Even if we might agree, it’s important that the impetus to change, and direction of the change is our own idea.
• Competence – We want to be good at things. Whether gardening gets you going, playing guitar, collecting beanie babies, it doesn’t matter. People choose to do things in order that they can be good at them.
• Relatedness – We want to feel connected to other people, and things outside of ourselves. Whether that is relationships with other folks, membership in organizations, or believing in something bigger than ourselves, the hermit on the island doesn’t work for us.

---

These pieces of SDT make intuitive sense and reflecting on my own situation they have helped organize my insight and helped plan for change. I was given a lot of feedback, but it was typically in the “change because you’re deficient” or “Change!… or there will be consequences.” How does this jibe with autonomy? Rather than see the change as valuable I saw it as an external threat that was at odds with being my authentic self. Later, the same recommendations for change were arrived at through facilitated self-reflection. These facilitating questions centered on my need for competence – i.e. wanting to be great at my job. Behaviors and tendencies were explored as questions like “Are these choices leading to great performance?” “Are you taking advantage of all the opportunities you can by acting a certain way?” Not only was the questioning approach centered around my actions being reflective of competence, they were also couched in terms of “Are your actions congruent with your values?” Also key in this approach was that because I was answering the questions, I was coming to the conclusions as to what needed to change. This was a perfect approach to reinforce my autonomy rather than negate it through force. These are keys to motivating change that can’t be understated. Your path to change, and the manner in which you pursue it must reflect your desire for autonomy, competence and relatedness.

---

Would you rather be right, or would you rather be effective?”

Even more vital for success, your path should be reflective of you living in concert with your deepest held principles and motivations. In retrospect I was told to “Be nicer”…and I felt this to be at odds with a deeply held principle of honesty and trust. What if the truth that needed to be told was uncomfortable? Did folks want me to lie? I rejected this as me being inauthentic. Only later, when someone asked me how I delivered hard truths, and then followed up with questioning whether my truth delivery was effective in changing others’ behavior did it motivate me. The focus used to motivate me was whether or not I was competent/effective/expert. When this became the focus, I was able to shed the limiting belief of a false dichotomy between “Honest and Nice.” It is possible to be empathetic and truthful, and far more effective it turns out when motivating others. As a bonus, this approach is consistent with the values of honesty, competence, and elevates other underused (but valued) character strengths such as kindness.

Take a look at your character strengths survey, and consider the following reflection:

• Think about you at your best. Which strengths were you using and leveraging?
• Think about yourself at your worst. Which strengths were you neglecting, and which might you have been overusing?
• Think about your values and beliefs. What underlying values define who you are? What are your most cherished beliefs?
• Once again, consider the story you recalled when you were at your best. Which values were you exemplifying? Which beliefs did you honor?
• Now reflect on the moment you were at your worst. Which values did you fail to align with? Which of your core beliefs did you override or ignore?

A bit of grace for us all: it’s unlikely during either of these episodes (peak or nadir) that you were consciously aware of any of these themes, as they were likely driven reflexively or emotionally by your reptilian brain. If you had the self-awareness and mindfulness accessible in the moment, you’d probably have handled the “me at my worst” differently. Many of our actions are incongruent with our values and beliefs, but only realized on post hoc reflection, discussion, exploration.

The goal of this exercise isn’t to beat yourself up or to give yourself a standing ovation. It’s to increase awareness of what aligns and misaligns you with the parts of yourself that give your life meaning. That awareness is the starting point for present-moment mindfulness and future-motivated change.

Mindfulness can be considered the present-moment version of awareness. In the present moment, mindfulness is the higher brain doing its thing… reminding the lizard brain who ought to be in charge. Let’s face it, one wouldn’t typically describe the knee-jerk reflex of our amygdala as being reflective of values, beliefs, and higher meaning.

Beyond this step is to become mindful and then consider what might come in the future. There is interesting research in the realm of motivation and self-change as to what is most effective in promoting change and progress. Is it dwelling on the shortcomings of your present situation? Is it longing for a future better state? Turns out (not surprisingly) that combining both dwelling and longing is more effective than either by themselves. Even more so, adding conscious plans to get from current state to desired future in the form of “if-then” plans in response to perceived barriers to the journey further increases the chances for change.

What better thing to base your response to barriers and challenges on the road to progress than your truest sense of self (character strengths) and your underlying meaning (beliefs and values)?

---

Conclusion (for now)…

Where does that leave us…the disgraced and damaged who have been fired, passed over, cut loose?

Time to split the baby.

In the second installment I discussed the false dichotomy of siding with the “support bros” who are blind to my faults or the “bitter critics” that think I should be thanking instigators of a betrayal.

Well here it is: I am exactly where I am because of the sum total of my choices, both failures and successes. As I reflect upon that fact, I’m either in despair about my life or not. Sure I was fired, and I clearly recognize that as a failure due to my actions. Poor choices resulted in several aspects of my leadership career hitting a big freakin’ iceberg. I could still be in despair over it, or I can roll it into the sum of my existence and be thankful and grateful for the life I have made despite my sometimes egregiously poor choices.

I moved my family to a magnificent part of the country where they are flourishing, and I got to learn an entirely new job and was able to make hugely impactful contributions in new career endeavors that I never would have considered if not for being forced out of what at the time I considered my career aspirational position.

On the other hand, despite flexing my stoic muscles and making the best meal of a crap sandwich as possible, I’m not appreciative of people who betray, bear false witness and manipulate the facts for personal gain. These things are not mutually exclusive. I will neither validate the bastards by thanking them, nor let them win by curling up in the fetal position and quitting after a failure.

It’s on me to work with mentors and seek feedback; process that feedback until I have a clear and accurate picture of where I am. Then I need to decide who I want to be, and plot a course to get there from here. Anticipating barriers, war gaming tactics to get around them. Gaining awareness of strengths, values and beliefs to make sure I have a solid dependable motivation to persevere on my journey.

So you got fired, now what?

It’s a bit like Kimo said to Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, “it’s like the Sopranos… IT’S OVER, find a new show.” I loved that program, and I’m not ecstatic it ended… but it is indeed over. Time to move forward and find a new show.