So, You Got Fired…Part 1

Introduction

Odds are you’ve been fired, cut, dumped, or ghosted—by a job, a team, a person, or an institution—even though you thought you were good/great/vital/pivotal/indispensable.

Full disclosure: Me too. I’ll talk about it during this post (and the sequels), but not in gory detail. First off, much of the specifics are confidential as part of an official process. Beyond that, it would seem like me venting and justifying myself—and let’s face it, I’m human, so if I recounted all the details, it probably would include some justifying. Most importantly, the point-by-point details are not relevant to the purpose of this blog: pragmatic reflections and advice to teach the art of mentoring. So, when it’s necessary to illustrate a point about mentoring, I’ll disclose some generalities. Otherwise, I’m going to focus on valuable insights I gained about myself, about mentoring, about leadership, and about relationships during and after getting fired.

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First hard truth: Nobody is indispensable.

Fair warning: this might sting.

Getting fired sucks. IT…ABSOLUTELY…SUCKS. No two ways about it. It sucked for me, and I fully expect it sucked (or currently sucks) for you.

I feel for you, sincerely. It’s setting me off as I write it. While I will avoid saccharine tropes like “It’s good for you to get fired, it builds character,” I will separate and be precise about the ability to create positive momentum following negative events. I refuse to participate in the current cultural ethic that suggests life could ever be a 100% risk-free, safe space without the possibility of offense, hurt, painful remembrance, or difficulty. I also refuse to be offensive for its own sake, and I refuse to pander, coddle, or condescend to you by pretending hard truths are just too mean to say.

The rational middle? I pledge to make the hard truths in this valuable.To that end, here are our relevant ground rules:

• Be kind. Dignity and respect always.
• At some point in this relationship, you’ll thank or accuse me of being a straight shooter.
• You learn more from your failures than your successes.

I promise I won’t write something with the sole intent to cause hurt or offense. If I can find a kind way to say something, I will. But if the truth offends, then after your immediate emotional response settles, the substance of what’s written will remain—a source of value and help for your development. My “why” is to help you make the most of your potential (and my own, for that matter). Potential isn’t realized just by focusing on strengths and lavishing positive praise on success: it must include examining failure, shortcoming, weakness, and apathy to come up with effective tactics and strategies for overcoming them.

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First hard truth, again for effect: Nobody is indispensable.

Some of you scoff. You’ve worked hard to make yourself essential—your team, job, class, program, or family couldn’t possibly function without you. I’m sure you’ve made it difficult to do so… but you can’t make it impossible.

Others of you know all too well how dispensable you are. You’ve been cut, passed over, or ghosted enough that you chronically sell yourself short.

Either of these extremes leads to blind spots on the road to becoming a complete person. What’s a complete person? One who engages reality when it comes to themselves and their life. Seems simple. Let’s dig a little.

Are either extremes—“I’m perfectly indispensable” or “I’m completely worthless”—likely to be true? Even if one feels true, is it useful?

Extremes are:

• Rarely true
• Only helpful if they don’t paralyze you

When these thoughts get extreme, they often feel permanent. Few things are more demotivating than something that feels unchangeable. If I believed I’d never get any better at guitar than I am right now, would I practice? What if I believed I was already perfect? Would I still try to improve?

See the problem? It’s not whether you’re hopeless or flawless. It’s the unchangeability that paralyzes.

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Next hard truth: You’re going nowhere without being ruthlessly honest about yourself.

When trying to get somewhere, isn’t the first step figuring out where you are?

Think of self-assessment like navigation: you can’t chart a course without first locating yourself on the map. There’s a great scene in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade where they have a map with precise directions to the Holy Grail, but they don’t know the starting point. Moving from your current self to your future possible self is no different. If you can’t accurately assess (measure) and evaluate (assign meaning and context to) your values, strengths, abilities, and shortcomings, you’ll be wandering aimlessly.

This true self-assessment takes both honesty and courage.

Behold the Turtle… He goes nowhere without sticking his neck out.

When you’re fired, let go, cut, or not invited back… many people feel so terrible that they confuse emotional reaction with honest self-assessment. Remember: emotions come first, and then the cognitive brain tells a story to explain them. Sometimes that story justifies, sometimes it denies, sometimes it distracts. It’s normal—but not always accurate.

I definitely tell myself a different story now than I did when it was happening. So here’s the big idea:

Deal with the reality of the situation in which you were fired.

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Step 1: Feel the Feelings

They are real, authentic, and happening. Let them happen. They’ll swing—sad, angry, relieved, humiliated. You’ll probably feel some of them again just reading this. That’s OK.

A support system is key here. You have people in your life for a reason. Use them. It’s when you feel most alone that you most need to reach out.

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Step 2: Avoid Quick Decisions

Especially decisions based on those early feelings. Your emotional brain is great at emergencies—fires, car crashes, grizzly bears. It is terrible at nuanced decisions. Like “what should I do now?”

This is not the time to rage-quit, panic-apply, or retaliate. Your lizard brain wants to, but your cerebral cortex is built for a moment like this. Let it lead.

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Step 3: Use the Setback as a Stimulus to Change

The firing may be final. Your future isn’t. Once the shock fades, and you’ve gotten some space, it’s time to assess:

• Where am I?
• Where do I want to be?

Once those endpoints are known, you can plot the course and build a plan.

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Summary:

You’re not alone. Everyone faces a life-altering setback eventually. Nobody is indispensable. Reality will prove it sooner or later. You’ll survive this—and eventually, you’ll have to move forward. Start here:

• Feel the feelings
• Avoid quick decisions
• Use the setback as a stimulus for change

Next installment: we pick up with how to self-assess honestly and constructively.

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