The Resilience Rant: Reclaiming and Reframing

Introduction

One of the more seductive critiques of resilience goes like this: “It’s all predetermined. You either have it or you don’t. It’s baked into your DNA, your childhood, your trauma history, your bank account, or your ZIP code.”

Now, is there some truth in that? Of course. Genetics matter. Early life experiences matter. Support systems matter. There are undeniable disparities in the starting lines people are given.

But that doesn’t mean the race is unwinnable—or that the course can’t be learned. And of course, if you have read any of my accompanying posts, or met me you know that overly broad sweeping claims devoid of nuance irritate me. So, for the nuance fans in the room:

Let’s not confuse influence with immutability. The fact that something is affected by your background doesn’t mean it’s locked in forever. Resilience is not a static trait handed out like eye color. It’s a dynamic capacity—one that can be built, refined, and strengthened with intention.

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RESILIENCE IS MORE TRAINABLE THAN PEOPLE THINK 

Here’s a foundational pearl from psychology: most things are more changeable than we’d like to admit. Why? Because change implies responsibility. And responsibility costs in the short term, but pays in the long term. Whining, excusing, blaming and avoiding are seemingly free in the short term, but boy do they cost you loads over the long haul.

But research tells us—and real life proves—that resilience is trainable. Seligman’s learned optimism model, Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory, and decades of behavioral science all point in the same direction: your mindset, habits, and support networks shape your response to adversity far more than your genetic roll of the dice.

You can’t undo your childhood, your trauma, or your first panic attack. I’ve been a physician for more than 20 yrs, the vast bulk of it in the intensive care unit, and a piece of it in a theater of war. Trust me, if there was a way to un-experience things, un-see them or un-hear them, someone would have figured it out by now. There is no shortage of motivation to simply “make pain go away”. This misses the point: pain is inevitable; avoiding your past pains doesn’t prevent future pain. Dealing with the pain, and growing stronger is your best option. You can learn to identify your thoughts, regulate your emotions, ask for help, and take recovery-oriented actions. That’s resilience in practice—not just in theory.

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IF IT WERE FIXED, COACHING WOULDN’T WORK 

I wouldn’t have a job if resilience were predetermined. None of us in the coaching, teaching, mentoring, or mental health professions would. The analogy to sports is apt here (Yeah, I know I overuse sports metaphor like I’m auditioning for Hoosiers, The Reunion but when it works it works): If mile time, foot speed, arm strength, pitching velocity, free-throw percentage were all fixed at birth, what would be the point of going to the gym, buying Runner’s World magazine, or hiring a coach for Spring training?

Back to development in the emotional/spiritual/personal domain: If resilience were fixed at birth, there’d be no point in therapy. No need for support groups. No reason to train, reflect, or grow. Just toss everyone into life’s wood chipper and see who makes it out the other side, right?

But we know that’s nonsense. We’ve all seen people grow into strength. People who used to panic now find their breath. People who froze up now make decisions. People who collapsed now stand taller than ever. Whether it’s building resilience or forging steel, stress & failure is a feature not a bug in the realm of development.

The only explanation for that kind of transformation? Trainability.

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ENVIRONMENT AND NATURE MATTER—BUT THAT’S NOT THE WHOLE STORY 

Let’s acknowledge something important: context matters. Privilege, community, trauma history, social support—they all shape resilience. A person with resources will bounce back faster than someone without. That’s not controversial. That’s common sense.

But environment isn’t destiny. It’s terrain.

Nature also matters: Temperament has an inborn component. There is a genetic factor in personality, and it’s not a huge leap to realize that resilience, tolerance for anxiety, potential for mood disorders and the like also does.

But nature isn’t destiny either. It’s potential.

Some people get a paved road. Others get a mountain trail. But either way, the path forward exists—and so do strategies for navigating it. That’s where resilience skills come in. They don’t flatten the mountain, but they do help you gear up for the climb. Some people are naturally taller, some have a more favorable trunk to leg ratio, some are shorter with a lower center of gravity. Each of these can be an advantage for certain activity, but can also be a disadvantage in others. None of them are absolute destiny.

We can’t create perfect equality of outcome. But we can empower people with tools to adapt, problem-solve, and heal. And that’s where the heart of resilience lies—not in pretending life is fair, but in showing up anyway.

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LET’S BE CLEAR: TRAINABILITY ≠ BLAME 

Let’s stop avoiding the elephant in the room. I’m much more likely to turn on the lights, give it name and scratch behind its ears while feeding it peanuts: saying that resilience is trainable is not the same as saying someone should have already trained themselves out of their pain.

Some critics hear “resilience can be learned” and translate it as, “If you’re still hurting, it’s your fault.” That’s not only inaccurate—it’s cruel. And it’s lazy thinking masquerading as insight.

Resilience training is no different than physical therapy after an injury. You don’t look at someone hobbling into the PT clinic and yell, “Why aren’t you running yet?” You meet them where they are. You offer structure. You pace the challenge. You support the climb.

Trainability means potential—not expectation. It offers hope, not condemnation. It invites people into growth, not guilt. Let’s face it (and I’ll borrow unapologetically from the Stoics here): what’s the alternative—pretend they’re healed? If you blame the patient in the PT clinic, or only offer them sympathy, they’re still not walking. Reality doesn’t grade on emotion. The past is immovable. Reality is undefeated. Your only play is forward.

We’ve already refuted the “resilience equals victim blaming” argument but in case there are remaining cynics—this Stoic turn flips the script: Okay, you reject resilience—then what exactly is your plan?

So let me be crystal clear: I do not want anyone rational to walk away from this post thinking my message is “Stop sucking, be more resilient.”

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REFLECTION & PRACTICE 

Make a list. Think of ways you’ve gotten better at bouncing back. Maybe you:

• Learned to pause instead of react
• Started reaching out instead of isolating
• Found meaning in something painful
• Developed routines that ground you

None of that came standard at birth. It came from living, learning, and growing. It came from practicing.

That’s resilience.

Take 5 minutes and jot down your go-to tools when life gets hard:

• Who do you call?
• What grounds you?
• What mantras or habits help you reset?

Now ask: where did those tools come from? Were you born with them? Or did someone teach you, or did you learn through experience?

You’re not done learning. No one is. And that’s the good news.

In Part 4, we’ll unpack the myth that resilience always means “bouncing back exactly as you were.” Sometimes it does—but other times, it means bouncing forward, adapting, and rebuilding with new strength.

Until then, keep building. Keep growing. And remember: resilience is earned—not assigned.

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