7 Dirty Words Part 2: The Trap of Absolutes: How “Always” and “Never” Limit Your Thinking

Introduction

“Always” and “Never”: Opposites That Work the Same Way

“They always leave me out.” “I’ll never be good enough.” At first glance, “always” and “never” might seem like opposites. One declares constancy, while the other implies impossibility. Yet, these words share a common function: they are absolutes that narrow our thinking and obscure the nuances of reality. In this post, we’ll explore the similarities and differences between “always” and “never,” and how we can leverage the character strength of humility as a way to take back control by replacing these 2 dirty words with grounded, reality-based thinking.

How Are “Always” and “Never” Similar?

Great question, glad you asked. As we stated above, “always” and “never” are literal opposites. But despite their different meanings both words share function and motivation in our thoughts. Both words:

• Ignore Evidence: Absolutes like “always” and “never” dismiss the complexity of reality. They bypass facts, exceptions, and nuance.
• Fuel Negative Emotions: By reinforcing rigidity, these words amplify frustration, hopelessness, or inadequacy.
• Limit Possibilities: Both “always” and “never” block problem-solving and close the door to growth.

For example:

• “I always fail” and “I’ll never succeed” both reinforce a fixed mindset, discouraging effort or change.
• “They always ignore me” and “They’ll never understand me” assume permanence in relationships, preventing improvement.

How are “Always” and “Never” Different?

Clearly these two cognitive gremlins share some traits, but they obviously differ in meaning and usage. In addition to the definitional difference the emotional undertones of these words can differ:

• “Always”: Tied to frustration or unrealistic expectations, often fueling perfectionism. For example, “I always have to do everything myself” may create resentment or self-pity.
• “Never”: Linked to hopelessness or defeat, implying impossibility. For instance, “I’ll never be good at this” can discourage growth or effort.

Why are these words so dangerous to our ability to maintain control over our actions, behaviors and habits? If you read the above paragraphs carefully, you might have noticed that some synonyms recur – “fuel” “reinforce” and “amplify”. In the emotional cognitive workflow, words that trigger amplification are problematic. Remember that in the neurophysiological hierarchy of function perceptions trigger an emotional response. These initial emotions require our higher cortical brain to provide context, explanation and commentary. We are often able to manage (not prevent) emotions by carefully constructing narrative that explains and contextualizes. These are the so-called “stories we tell ourselves”. It is possible to tell unhelpful narratives following an initial emotional response. We’ve all had the experience of having a negative emotional response to an interaction, and then “piling on” by thinking a story that presumes or rather insists on the worst possible explanation. Paul just wrote about this not long ago – and recommended the technique of Hanlon’s Razor –> don’t attribute to malice what can be explained otherwise. Emotions should be acknowledged for the value they provide, and then managed so they maintain that value. Always and Never are not helpful when trying to contextualize our emotions and properly manage them. Both words, despite opposite meanings, and different emotional antecedents, act like gasoline thrown onto a fire, amplifying emotional intensity rather than extinguishing it. When you think in absolutes, you trigger a positive feedback loop in your brain that heightens emotional responses and clouds logical thinking. This emotional hijacking makes it harder to assess the facts or explore alternative perspectives, trapping you in a cycle of frustration or despair. Recognizing this effect is key to breaking the loop and regaining control of your thoughts. However, it is a different shared deeper flaw that will allow us to take back control: these words lack humility. They create false certainties about life, ignoring its inherent unpredictability and complexity.

Humility as the Antidote to Absolutes:

The original meaning of humility comes from the Greek word Humus or Latin humiliates for “grounded” or “of the earth”.  Humility is not false modesty or self-deprecation despite its common (mis)usage. It’s the strength to remain rooted in reality, acknowledging both your strengths and limitations. Simply put, being humble is being firmly grounded in reality. Reality is undefeated, and Always and Never don’t stand a chance. Let’s see how humility can combat the rigidity (and inherent falsity) of “always” and “never”:

• Challenge Absolutes with Evidence: Humility invites you to ask, “What’s the truth in this situation?” For example, instead of thinking, “I always succeed just out of luck,” humility acknowledges your effort and skill.
• Stay Open to Change: Humility reminds us that no situation is fixed, as reality is full of examples of change, adaptation and future success following present challenges. When you think, “I’ll never be good at this,” humility reframes it to, “I haven’t mastered this yet.”
• Balance Expectations: Humility keeps you grounded, helping you set realistic expectations for yourself and others.  Humility can help keep you from swinging the pendulum too far and overcorrecting – its sheer folly to fix an “always” by replacing it with a “never”

Steps to Break Free from Absolutes

Step 1: Catch the Absolutes
Notice when you use “always” or “never.” Ask yourself:

• Is this really true all the time?
• What evidence supports or contradicts this statement?

Step 2: Identify Exceptions
Look for counterexamples. For instance:

• Instead of “I always fail,” recall a time when you succeeded.
• Instead of “They never listen to me,” think of moments when someone did.

Step 3: Reframe with Humility
Replace absolutes with grounded language. Try:

• “This happens sometimes, but not always.”
• “I haven’t succeeded yet, but I’m working on it.”
• “In this moment, I feel [emotion], but I know this isn’t permanent.”

Step 4: Stay Curious About Reality
Humility encourages curiosity. Instead of assuming permanence, ask:

• What else might be true?
• What’s within my control to change?

Step 5: Embrace Growth and Possibility
Recognize that absolutes are rarely accurate. By grounding yourself in humility, you open the door to flexibility, creativity, and hope.

A Combined Mindfulness Exercise:

1. Write down a recent “always” or “never” thought. Note the emotions that preceded it, and the emotional energy that comes after it. Getting a handle on what situations tend to lead to using absolutes can be the key to growing awareness to the point of prevention. Awareness of the inflaming of emotions that comes after these 2 dirty words are used can help motivate the rest of the exercise, and provides a baseline from which to improve.
2. Challenge it with evidence: What facts contradict this belief? Avoid the trap of simply shifting to the opposite false absolute. Acknowledge the grain of truth that led to declaring an absolute by also noting evidence that supports the belief.
3. Reframe it with humility: What would a more grounded perspective sound like? Take into account a full and nuanced description of reality. Embrace reality and don’t hide from it, even the bits about yourself you want to change.
4. Reflect on how this shift changes your perspective and emotions.

Conclusion:
While “always” and “never” appear to be opposites, their effects on your mindset are strikingly similar. Both words defy reality and limit growth. By practicing humility—remaining grounded and open to evidence—you can replace these absolutes with balanced, empowering language. The next time you catch yourself using one of these words, pause and ask: “What’s the truth in this situation?”