Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself: 7 Dirty Words Part 1

Take control of  the “Shoulds”: Aligning Expectations with Reality

In our introductory installment of “The seven dirty words” we discussed a general approach to building mindfulness and becoming aware of using the words. Our mindfulness exercise focused on assessing  your personal energy level and emotional state preceding the “words” creeping into thoughts or speech.  The goal was to become aware of when/where and how these words pop up to  work toward preventing going down thinking trap rabbit holes.  What do we do when the words happen and prevention is no longer an option?  For the rest of the series we’ll tackle these rhetorical gremlins one at a time.

Today’s focus : Should

“I *should* be further along in my career by now.”

“I *should* have passed that test/gotten accepted to that school/been hired for that job”

“I should work out more.” “I *should* feel happier.”

Sound familiar? The word “should” inevitably creeps into our thoughts and conversations.  Any of you with coaches or mentors may have even heard “Stop shoulding all over yourself!” or “Wow, that is some seriously should thinking!”  Should is problematic because it usually signals a difference between our expectations and reality. Worse, the words itself provides no guidance as to which of these factors (or both) requires adjustment!  

While this little word can create stress and guilt, it’s also an opportunity for reflection. So let’s take back some control with our first reframing questions:  Is this “should” pointing to a reasonable gap you can address, or is it a result of unrealistic expectations?

Step 1: Mind the Gap-Assess the Difference Between Reality and Expectations

The first step is to quantify the gap, and define its edges. When you notice a “should,” pause and ask:

– What is my current reality?

– What are my expectations?

This simple observation can reveal whether the expectation is reasonable or unrealistic. Further, just characterizing the expectation can lead to an examination of your values and character strengths underlying it, or if it stems from external pressures, perfectionism, or limiting beliefs.

Step 2: Evaluate What You Can Control

I love to borrow from the Stoics, and a gem they’ve given us that continues to shine is this: we have much more control over our expectations than we do over reality. Reality includes external circumstances, other people’s actions, and events beyond our influence. While it is true that we have control over our choices and attitudes, total control is an illusion. Ask yourself:

– What aspects of this situation are within my control?

– Am I focusing on what I can change, or am I fixating on what I cannot?

This distinction is crucial. Sometimes “should” is a signal that your expectations need adjustment rather than your actions.

Step 3: Address Limiting Beliefs

If the gap between expectation and reality stems from a limiting belief or attitude, this is an area where you have significant control. For example:

– Is this expectation based on outside pressure, an outdated standard, or an unrealistic timeline?

– Does it align with your values and priorities?

Replacing “should” with empowering language can help. For instance, “I should be more productive” becomes “I will focus on getting the things done that matter most to me today.”  Don’t forget the diminutive but powerful word “yet“.  Yet allows you flexibility in your timeline and gives a realistic pathway to closing the gap.

“I Should be able to run a 5k”

doesn’t provide a pathway forward- it reinforces a limiting belief and has a ring of finality to it. What if it turns into,

“I can’t run a 5k yet”.

The simple addition of the word yet makes the statement indeterminate, and leads naturally into the “so… how can I get there?”

Step 4: Adjust Behaviors

If the gap reflects a behavior you can control, the next step is actionable change. This might involve:

-Setting realistic goals: Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps.

-Building better habits: Use tools like habit stacking or accountability partners to stay consistent.

– Understanding motivation: Reflect on why the change matters to you.

Check out this blog post about the GROW model (Goal, Reality, Options, Will/Way) for a framework to plan personal change. Later on we will explore strategies from behavioral science, like Prochaska’s stages of change model, self determination theory, and positive psychology tactics for succeeding on your journey to optimize.

Step 5: Accept What Is Out of Your Control

When the gap stems from external factors, it’s vital to embrace the Stoic principle of acceptance. This doesn’t mean resignation, but rather recognizing reality as it is. There are many ways to manage an obstacle – over, under, around, through, but one must first accept the reality of that obstacle to have any chance of conquering it.

-Use the phrase, “It is what it is,” as a grounding mantra.

By focusing on what you can influence, you free yourself from unnecessary frustration and guilt. Remember, “it is what it is” is not a cop-out, an excuse not to try, or a last step.  You are still responsible for making the best of what you do have control over after you’ve separated out what is beyond your control.

The phrase is only the first half of “It is what it is, so now what?” 

A Mindfulness Exercise:

Take a moment to sit quietly and reflect on a recent “should” thought.

Write it down, word for word.

Go through the five steps above, and write down each aspect of the “should” thought: How did you assess the gap? Which edge of the gap do you control? What work must you do to adjust expectations, behaviors, or your attitude toward external reality?

Notice how this process shifts your perspective. 

Conclusion:

“Should” is not inherently good or bad. It’s a signal. By using it as a tool to assess the gap between reality and expectations, you can take deliberate action where possible and release what is outside your control. The next time you catch yourself saying “should,” pause and ask: “What’s within my power to change?”

I would love your feedback and experience! What reframing, grounding and empowering tactics do you use to avoid “shoulding?