When you see anger… train yourself to look for pain.

Sometimes, when we are with someone who is experiencing strong emotions, the interaction is limited by the way those strong emotions may make us feel inside. Sometimes we fail to recognize that what we can see as the problem is only the symptom of a deeper problem. Sometimes we fail to understanding that what we see as the problem is actually that person’s solution to the deeper problem.

When someone is hurting, it often feels safer to express how they are feeling in a way that does not make them feel more vulnerable than they are already feeling (particularly if the hurt resulted from a time when they were vulnerable and someone exploited that vulnerability).

“What one sees, the presenting problem, is often only the marker for the real problem, which lies buried in time, concealed by patient shame, secrecy and sometimes amnesia, and frequently clinician discomfort.” ~Bessel A. van der Kolk