An Open Letter to my Proteges and Fellow Mentors

How folks respond in a crisis, and how they maintain (or fail to maintain) that drive once the crisis is over truly reveals the best (and worst) of that most important of Venn diagrams: Your inherent character, how you were raised, and how well any work you’ve done on yourself has “taken”. It’s a particularly pointed way to receive feedback on yourself, your choices as a person, and your impact on others as a mentor.

A little context is in order. I wrote this in the thick of the pandemic in Summer of 2020. I’m a critical care physician by trade, married to an infectious disease physician, and we co-led a great deal or clinical research during the pandemic. And yes, COVID-19 made for the oddest pillow talk in the history of marriage. Both of us have a career that included a great deal of graduate medical education faculty and leadership roles. Some of my proteges called me “Work Dad”, and I was always proud of my Work Kids and my Actual Kids, even if I may have been lousy at letting them know it. Sorry if you are all “Covid’d Out”. ..I am too. But recently I came back to this essay and thought it might be time to put it out there.

At the time I wrote this, I had been reflecting on the “Response to Crisis”. As the crisis abated, I had opportunity to reflect on how all those kids do without the pressure of a crisis pushing them along. ..My Actual Kids and My Work Kids crushed it during the crisis and have continued to grow and amaze their curmudgeonly dad. Whether its making dinner or mowing the lawn without being asked, how they handle the stress of competition or a first job, or stepping up & taking initiative in a forward deployed ICU… How folks respond in a crisis, and how they maintain (or fail to maintain) that drive once the crisis is over truly reveals the best (and worst) of that most important of Venn diagrams: Your inherent character, how you were raised, and how well any work you’ve done on yourself has “taken”. It’s a particularly pointed way to receive feedback on yourself, your choices as a person, and your impact on others as a mentor.

Raise & Mentor your kids with care and an aim to make them independent and strong, with the courage to give it a go, the resilience and humility to learn from their failures, and the confidence to quietly acknowledge their success, and use both as a means to move forward… 

They will amaze you. Love them, trust them, be tough on them, let them go out on their own to conquer, explore, succeed, fail and keep growing… 

Don’t “Helicopter Parent”, but remember parent is a verb. They’ll call if they need you, and again you’ll do well to love them, trust them, & be tough on them anytime they ask (and even sometimes when they don’t)…and the times they knock it out of the park and you get a “thank you”…or even if you don’t… 

You’ll remember that it’s not about you; it’s about a relationship that made you both better. You’ll raise a glass (Scotch in my case) and promise silently to yourself to always be there for them…And then you’ll remember that this relationship isn’t perfect, nor can it be. So, on the days when you want to strangle them, the Scotch will help too 

I used to send My Work Kids song links to recover after bad spells, to press on during long spells, or to celebrate the good ones; they were usually the same ones I’d made My Actual Kids listen to on long drives home from chess tourneys, baseball games & recitals…Here ya go …

Much love tonight from a Proud Papa.